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 Post subject: Stuff my sister sends me...
PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 11:22 pm 
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Somewhere On the Food Chain
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Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 9:52 pm
Posts: 1023
Location: mousetown
Most of the e-mails from sis go straight into my trash bin, as she often tries to make some 'important' point or other - an effort to keep her older brother on the straight and true, as she sees it. Every once in a while, she actually sends funny stuff that I can pass along. Here's some I've collected:


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"Something about experience - by the time you have some, that's all you've got." misquoted from a play by A. Webber.
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 Post subject: Re: Stuff my sister sends me...
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 11:45 pm 
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Somewhere On the Food Chain
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Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 9:52 pm
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Location: mousetown
Tips of the Day


1. Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.....Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

2. I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... Apparently the instruction "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

3. A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said "sorry about the wait", and I said, "don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually".

4. Snow, eh! The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

5. I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner, & I always end up in bed with them... here's how it goes; 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'.

6. Years ago it was suggested that 'an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

7. I took my Biology exam last Friday.I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

_________________
"Something about experience - by the time you have some, that's all you've got." misquoted from a play by A. Webber.


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 Post subject: Re: Stuff my sister sends me...
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 11:04 am 
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Somewhere On the Food Chain
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Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 9:52 pm
Posts: 1023
Location: mousetown
SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated..

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

_________________
"Something about experience - by the time you have some, that's all you've got." misquoted from a play by A. Webber.


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 Post subject: Re: Stuff my sister sends me...
PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2013 6:17 pm 
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Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 12:13 pm
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Location: Somewhere next door to reality
:))

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